So, I've realized something of late. This depression I feel isn't going to go away anytime soon. It seems to be eating at my soul. Slowly. Painfully. Yet, the thing that scares me the most is that I like this feeling. It actually makes me feel alive.
One thing I can't shake off though is a feeling that if this depression leaves then I will cease to be who I am today. What will become of the me who is right now, if I smile? I don't think I can bring myself to do that. Not even for the ones who love me.
Is it so hard for me to think of a life without this crushing weight on my shoulders? I guess it is. However, deep down inside me, I know there's something more to this life then sadness and pain. I'm just scared to let it surface and bloom.
Right now, I'm okay with this. It doesn't seem to be killing me. Yet. I am not scared of how this feeling has consumed me, and it does not interfere with my life. Much. It actually helps me see the world in a different light. A light that is not bright all the time.
Life was not always like this. I use to smile. A lot. I wonder what happened, but it doesn't matter now. I am who I am and that is all I will ever be. Maybe one day I will smile again and be happy. For now, I am content with how life is. Even if I don't smile anymore.